My Sancturay~

I love analogies. And hence i will try to paint one out right now to describe my life...

I feel like i am in this empty black dark room, with only a torch light with me. That is my only source of light, my only link to sanity, my only reason for living. But everyone know that batteries only last for a period of time. And guess what? I don't have any more batteries. Now, the light is flicking, in a danger of dying out. And i am crying, wondering whether help will be on the way. Or would i be lost in the room forever.

Utterly depressing? Perhaps. But hey, that is just how i think and feel. *grinz* deep inside, that is the state of my life. And guess what, no one is hearing it clearly. The people i love and care don't really hear it clearly. But then, i am sobbing, not making outright wailing sounds. So i guess it would be tough for anyone to hear it. *shrug*

Don't fret... i should be able to find some spare batteries...

Somehow

Somewhere

9:19 pm

It's amazing.. sometimes to just look back and smile.

But each time i take two steps forward.. i take one step back. Yes, i am progressing. But at a super slow speed. My life in Christ is just scary. I really don't know sometimes whether i am in the wrong church...

Everytime i go to church, when i go back, i hear negative things about the church..
'oh, service started late.'
'dear, the worship session was too long..'
'pastor's sermon isn't in depth enough'
'why can't they cut the sermon short?'
'does this pastor care about the church?'

And here i am thinking whether i am growing as a Christian in this church

At times, i feel like just leaving the church to find another one. But each time, i fear. Because of three reasons.
1) Some of my good friends are there.
2) I fear to start all over again in a new church
3) I feel comfortable with my pastor

However, the third reason is losing hold on me. And the only thing that is truly stopping me is the second reason. Because i know i am close to my friends enough to still keep in contact.

Sometimes, i feel like lashing out at the pastor, parents and all the grown ups. I mean, if everyone is taking.. who is going to give?

Anyway.. there was a saying.. 'when there is people, there will be trouble'

Okay, change topic... talking abt grown ups make me sick sometimes. I sincerely hope i don't become like them.

Personal life, i feel free and great. I mean, it is nice to clear all misunderstanding and speculation and trash out the truth. If two people are frank.. i guess it will work... So right now, i can truly honestly interact with one particular guy in my class without feeling awkward or worried that a misunderstanding might occur. And i really enjoy the freedom... finally

So, ya, that's about it.... *Grinz*

9:44 pm

Funny how God works....

You are bitter, angry and furious with the world.. and wonder why God forsake you... And then when you cry and cry, feeling broken and rejected, everything just come flooding back at you.

Let's bring you back to the days of The Chronicles of Narnia- The Lion, the witch and the wardrobe.

The glorious beautiful Lion called Aslan, died in Edward's place... just because he kinda gave his 'life' to the witch.. and deserved death coz he betrayed Aslan. Yet, Aslan died in his place... despite the fact that he was actually dying for the very person who betrayed him.

God didn't have to die for us.. He could have just left us alone... Yet He did...

God didn't have to answer my cries and desperate pleas- as i wondered and pondered furiously (it's much worst than that though)- yet he answered... In an amazing way.

I realised I don't vocalize my thoughts... what i do is that i use songs and music to express how i feel... If I'm angry, the songs would reflect it.. If feeling betrayed, i will find songs that reflect it....

And that's how i serve God. Through music, singing and dancing...

I realised that. And i am glad that i went through such a depressing moment on Saturday.. because it made me wonder and feel awed by God's love and amazing grace...

It's coz of that i could seriously worship the Lord with all abandonment... and cleared up some things in my life...

I won't settle for second best! I am not loved because i am a possibililty. I'm loved because it is given to me freely. It's who i am, broken, weak and bruised... that is who God loves... God loves me...

I can only imagine- Amy Grant
I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

Chorus:
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

Verse 2:
I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine


That is what i think.. that is how i feel... and i realise it now... :D

10:15 pm

I just came back from youth.. and damn, i feel so.. bitter and angry.

Why is it i try so hard to make people laugh?
Why is it that i try so hard to make people like me?
Why do i try to be frank when i end up being insulted in every single way when i open up?

I heard somewhere that it is good to open up and stop bottling feelings. But what is the use when one become more vulnerable and in the end the knowledge is used to hurt them?

We had this sharing with the person facilitating the discussion. So they asked what are the three things that we would pray and ask God to grant us.

Mine, it was
1) To be a blessing to others
2) To love others.
3) ...

I can't remember the third one.. because i didn't say it out after all. Because as soon as i said the first one.. i think i was given a strange look and was asked... 'isn't it what you are doing now?'

I went 'yeah.. but i want to be a blessing to the pple around me..'

Then, i guess they have the right to poke fun and joke about it. But still it kinda hurt.. coz it's something personal.... and it sux when that happens.

So at the end of the discussion, the facilitator acutally used it to share with us about love of God... and he was saying that many people try all sort of things just to fill that void of being loved and accepted by others. and if it is void, then that's when the foundation of one's existance is shaken...

And i think that answers the question i ask earlier... why am i trying to find who i am?

Because i don't have that foundation of being loved and accepted...

And heck religion doesn't feel the gap as much as i long for...

So what's wrong with me?

10:10 pm

This is my on line journal, where i place my thoughts, fears and dreams in. Sometimes when i forget to write it down on paper.. i will just type it out. It's easier, perhaps for me to do so since i type pretty fast on the computer.

Why is there a need? Well, i was tempted so many times to write down my thoughts elsewhere.. but yet unable to find a place where i can be totally frank with myself. Because what i say, feel and think will be censored by others... friends, family, relatives. So i must as well just do so annoymously on line. So which is why i have not much links... and i'm virtually unknown... to anyone, except a few of my friends who know this blog.. Which isn't a lot actually.

So in that way, i still remain unknown in this virtual world, unless someone decides to hack into my account. :) but since i'm just a small fry, no one will go through so much trouble for that.

So, let's get back to my original content... eh... :)

School is havoc, since i have loads of homework and assignments. And on top of that, i was sick merely a week ago. A bad case of gastric flu. However, the worst thing that could happen is the aftermath of it.

Going to school... has become a drag to me. I don't feel like going to school. Not because i hate my course. Rather sometimes i wonder whether will i ever fit in. All this while, i'm trying to find a place to fit in. In primary, secondary, college, and teritary. And yet, i fail.. time and time again. College was the hardest i presume, because they don't really understand me. They never bother understanding me either- i can't read novels, newspaper.. .they don't understand how i think and the way i feel... I spent my college life being under scrutiny and criticism that i forgot how is it like to actually issue compliments.

Now, i have to start finding my place again. Perhaps the only way to find it is to find out who am i? Funny... to be at my age, and still trying to find out who i am in terms of personality, character, values and beliefs. It's strange. But i guess i tried to fit in so much that i forgot who i truly am. I recognized the fact that i am easily swayed by people's thoughts and opinions. However there are certain things that i have to stand firm. The question is what are they?

So... which is why i love this blogskin.. it shows a darker side of life..

12:16 pm

Hey.. i will write more later

10:54 pm