My Sancturay~

I just want to write it out.. my thoughts are in a jumbled mess and i still can't seem to figure out.

It started about a year ago. I was scanning around the room and then i saw him and i was like thinking innocently 'he has the most pleasant face among the guys i have seen.' Not that he was cute or handsome. He might just be plain and ordinary looking, I doubt he could stand out from the crowd. But still, i thought that and then just forgot about him.

As the months passed, i realised that we shared similar interests. And for a gal, i guess it's tough to find gals who share the same interests as me. Well, the girly stuff perhaps. But things like sports... pretty hard. I should have watched out for the red light.. but i was just enjoying life and treating him as a buddy.

Then as time pass... naturally, i started enjoying his company. Of course, him being a guy and me being a gal, we have quite different views. But at least it's nice to bicker over something. It make things more fun. Before i knew it, i fell into the trap again. The viscous cycle that goes round and round and fall into a bottomless pit that i can't get out. Yeah, it has crossed the friendship boundary to something unfamiliar. But i thought i could still keep it that way, until it was blown out of proportion by my friends.

I guess i was in denial.. pretending everything was still under the pretense of friendship. When it suddenly blew apart, i had to face it. My feelings has been exposed. But the problem is that i see no means to the relationship that ventures beyond the lines of friendship. However, if i could rein my feelings in, it would have been much easier. But because my emotions usually run riots in situations like this, i'm helpless and it's either i choose fight or flight.

I tried to fight. And somehow i managed to bottle down my feelings again, though they sea saw between mutual friends, frustration, resentment and confusion. God knows i tried to fight. But at the end of the day, my feelings can just free itself and i enter the horrible circle once more.

So i am trying to go into flight. But sometimes i see him down the corridor, i don't know whether he thinks i'm ignoring him. Then his dressings started to change... strangely though... Then i start hearing criticism about him and i'm like... 'he isn't that bad. weird perhaps but it's part of human nature'. Yeah weird in the sense at the age of 22, he is planning what he wants to do for retirement. And yes, his dressing sense was horrendous at a point in time.

Flight is my option because i know even if we give this relationship a chance, it won't work. Partly because i made a bargain with God- you provide for me someone i can love and care in my life, I let him go. Partly because both of us come from different religious background and if i gave this a chance, i might have to compromise my religion for him... which won't be fair for God.

Unless i can move on from this... i cannot afford to be chummy with him and chat anymore. Miss it badly. The last time i have to get over a guy, it took me 1 year and 9 mths. How much longer do i have to fight this? Luckily i have other friends who i can talk to about anime, sports and stuff. If not, i would have honestly lost someone i can talk to.

Still, how am i going to carry myself, with the knowledge that i am trying to avoid him in order to protect myself?? Each time we cross path, if i am alone, then i would just say hi and bye. If i am with a group, i would look away and start talking to my friend. If we make eye contact, i just smile and walk off without saying much.... I feel really rotten.

But i can't back down. Not now, not ever

10:09 pm

If you are not going to care for us.. why do you even bother to try??

Everyone deems us as crazy, troublesome and only use us when they need it. They demand for respect and want us to acknowledge them. Hello? Are they even acknowledging us?

Perhaps I'm spoiled by the people that i could talk to. However, when the one person i thought i could depend on just don't seem to care, it kinda set me off. Fine! For months i waited, and waited. And now, you don't even care. Not only me.. but the ones around you who look up to you.

What happened? When did you become so judgemental and so harsh in your words? Was I blinded earlier on??? I hate it. Because when I opened up, shed tears even in front of you... you were like a rock i can depend on. Now? I feel ashame. Coz you know all my weaknesses and my faults. And somehow i seem more vulnerable....

Are we adolscences so troublesome? That you juggle and juggle.. and when you drop the ball, you drop the one that seems to take up the most energy? Us? Tell us, who can we talk to? Our friends? Parents? Heh... Perhaps this taught me.. in this world, you can't depend on anyone.. or anything...

Not even you... nor me!

11:36 am

Today is the second year. It's quite sad that i still think about it. I was surprised i didn't blog about my first anniversary? Perhaps i wrote it elsewhere. Oh well.. moving on. But recently, i couldn't help but smile and fondly thinking back the days that he and I would just laugh and joke with each other.

What's the use looking back? I have to look forward and hope for the best in the future, and in life. Since i have started the journey of moving on.. I hope i just keep on moving.

Sometimes i think i react before thinking and pay no heed to the consequences till it is too late. Oh well.. i gotten into another round of hot soup. And it did cause me a hell lot of grief. Wash my hands on it. In the sense i gave the duty to someone else and let them figure it out. I am quite tired of trying to be the dependable one when i just don't have the time to invest my energy in it. Oh well... so next time, i have to weigh the pro and cons before i can say yes or no.. *frown*

oh well... sighz~ at least today isn't that bad.

9:39 pm

I never knew i was so angry towards people, to the world. Oh well.. it's just a place for me to work on.

I have to start avoiding him... to draw the line between friends and just being classmates. Sometimes i wish that there is an easier way to do it. To preserve the friendship i have... but i guess when emotions run haywire, someone is going to pay the price... one way or another. The dice has been cast, the line has been drawn... now i have to abide to the rules.

Sometimes i wonder why do people just jump on each other. I guess it's to make their point across.. .but why use e-mail and msn to tell something important when it's easier and better to talk either over the phone or face to face. If it isn't urgent or stuff... just wait till the next time we see each other then trash it out. I personally hate talking to people i don't know through e-mail or msn coz somehow, i don't feel personal. Oh some are alright... but others.. are just ga!

oh drats.. forgot today is father's day

9:43 am

Life... is just.. zen

Sometimes i wonder why i am living... After all, everyone expect Christians to be chirpy and glad to be alive coz of the wonderful good news of Christ.

However.. it's nice to know that we are still human... and i guess unless we depend on God, we can't do anything much about life...

Even so, i hate being lectured! I hate it so much when someone just comes in and nag at me...

shit, do i do that as well?

10:32 pm

"Don't cry."Someone whispered. However she failed to listen as she continued to sob.

She cried over the things that were said to her. She cried over the hurtful things she said to others. She cried over the hatred she had towards her low self esteem and her unwillingness to speak her mind. She cried over the scars that were visible on her heart.

"Damn it! Don't cry!" A voice echoed through her minds. She tried to hold back her sobs, only to feel the spreading ache across her chest as she took in a deep breath before shedding tears once more, unable to stop it.

"Useless!" The voice scolded her. "Could you do anything else besides crying."

"Shut up!" She shouted back. "Just shut up!" She shouted once more before looking at herself in the mirror. "Can you just shut up and stop crying! It's useless crying you silly!" She said before forcing herself to smile. She made sure that her smile was kept in place before putting her mask back- her mask that showed the world that she is a carefree girl who could take jokes and take things at her stride, even if she interprets words into signs of hurt, anger and rejection towards her..

She could take it slow- after all, everything is just a facade. Right? Damn, she doesn't even recongise herself in the mirror anymore.

12:02 am