I just want to write it out.. my thoughts are in a jumbled mess and i still can't seem to figure out.
It started about a year ago. I was scanning around the room and then i saw him and i was like thinking innocently 'he has the most pleasant face among the guys i have seen.' Not that he was cute or handsome. He might just be plain and ordinary looking, I doubt he could stand out from the crowd. But still, i thought that and then just forgot about him.
As the months passed, i realised that we shared similar interests. And for a gal, i guess it's tough to find gals who share the same interests as me. Well, the girly stuff perhaps. But things like sports... pretty hard. I should have watched out for the red light.. but i was just enjoying life and treating him as a buddy.
Then as time pass... naturally, i started enjoying his company. Of course, him being a guy and me being a gal, we have quite different views. But at least it's nice to bicker over something. It make things more fun. Before i knew it, i fell into the trap again. The viscous cycle that goes round and round and fall into a bottomless pit that i can't get out. Yeah, it has crossed the friendship boundary to something unfamiliar. But i thought i could still keep it that way, until it was blown out of proportion by my friends.
I guess i was in denial.. pretending everything was still under the pretense of friendship. When it suddenly blew apart, i had to face it. My feelings has been exposed. But the problem is that i see no means to the relationship that ventures beyond the lines of friendship. However, if i could rein my feelings in, it would have been much easier. But because my emotions usually run riots in situations like this, i'm helpless and it's either i choose fight or flight.
I tried to fight. And somehow i managed to bottle down my feelings again, though they sea saw between mutual friends, frustration, resentment and confusion. God knows i tried to fight. But at the end of the day, my feelings can just free itself and i enter the horrible circle once more.
So i am trying to go into flight. But sometimes i see him down the corridor, i don't know whether he thinks i'm ignoring him. Then his dressings started to change... strangely though... Then i start hearing criticism about him and i'm like... 'he isn't that bad. weird perhaps but it's part of human nature'. Yeah weird in the sense at the age of 22, he is planning what he wants to do for retirement. And yes, his dressing sense was horrendous at a point in time.
Flight is my option because i know even if we give this relationship a chance, it won't work. Partly because i made a bargain with God- you provide for me someone i can love and care in my life, I let him go. Partly because both of us come from different religious background and if i gave this a chance, i might have to compromise my religion for him... which won't be fair for God.
Unless i can move on from this... i cannot afford to be chummy with him and chat anymore. Miss it badly. The last time i have to get over a guy, it took me 1 year and 9 mths. How much longer do i have to fight this? Luckily i have other friends who i can talk to about anime, sports and stuff. If not, i would have honestly lost someone i can talk to.
Still, how am i going to carry myself, with the knowledge that i am trying to avoid him in order to protect myself?? Each time we cross path, if i am alone, then i would just say hi and bye. If i am with a group, i would look away and start talking to my friend. If we make eye contact, i just smile and walk off without saying much.... I feel really rotten.
But i can't back down. Not now, not ever
As long as you continue to be yourself, that's enough
-Shigure Sohma, Fruit Basket-
Never throw your life away.
Touya: There are no such things are coincidences in this world--
Kaho: --there is only the inevitable.
Nothing costs as much as loving-
except not loving
-C.S Lewis, The four loves-
Love is different for everyone, Yahiko.
Among a hundred different people there would be a hundred different forms of love
-Okina, Rurouni Kenshin
Sometimes people forget that they have the courage to live.
But as long as they have something in their hearts to believe in, that courage will never vanish
-Sakura Kinomoto, Tsubasa Chronicles
Regret is just a waste of time for fools
-Cho Hakkai, Saiyuki
Welcome to this illusion I've created. A world of our own, with our rules
-Seishirō Sakurazuka X/1999