When i think about the people who come and go in my life.. i feel really sad. Because the people i honestly care for somewhat disappear from my life. I am unsure who to trust or care for anymore.
Last time, i thought i could care for someone, but then, he changed.. (either that or he had put on a facade for all these times before revealing who he truly is.) My care, concern for him slowly fell away.. he slowly lost my respect and now, perhaps i feel hurt.
I hurt becuase i cared.. and it was never returned. In the past, i thought he was busy.. but as time passed, i realise how busy could he get. My family told me that they were worried that i was so captivated by him that i couldn't see his true colour. But now i did, my life kinda shattered. Is it my fault that i idolized him too much? Now, i feel as though a part of me shut out to the people around me...
Yesterday we had a gym class.. and there was this gym instructor who is a guy there... and for the first time, i realise i was so self conscious. And i realise that i get uneasy each time i either find a guy cute.. or i have a crush.. to protect myself from something. What is that something, i can never figure out. I cannot figure out at the moment. But i am beginning to suspect each time a guy who i like/respect shield himself away from me... a part of me just shut the world away.
I felt as though my pastor shut me out... if my pastor can do that... anyone could.. i honestly respected him. Where has he gone? or has he revealed his true self to me?
Perhaps i should just build a wall around my heart to protect myself.. then when you doesn't have expectations.. then you won't get disappointed.. when that happens.. then your heart is protected, to the extent when someone honestly loves you... Welcome to my sad reality of life... I can't trust anymore
Saturday, October 21, 2006
After close to three months of quietness, i am back, with vengence.
Not really much of vengence, but to just spill a lot of things that are buried in my heart and mind.
You are the only ones who had read the story i typed out during the holidays.. and the basis of my first chapter is quite frightening... I gotten the idea after going out with Ben to watch movie one of the days. So if you want to think in a crazy manner.. Jac could be me.. and Noel could be Ben... :) but still, it won't gel. Coz Ben would never cheat on his girlfriend. But in the crazy moment in time, that was wat i was thinking abt... what if.
Of course, wat ifs never happen in reality. So i will just stay grounded on reality and cheer him all the way, even when i feel like crying. However, i think that will be the most stupidest and yet powerful way of showing that you love someone... to let them go even when you just want to hang on tightly and not do that.
Anyway, school is crazy. And i can't help but resent certain people for trying to change the class dynamics... When you are in Rome, do what the Romans do.. Fortunately for the person, he/she figured out soon enough. And life in class carried on as usual.
I am pissed when life starts becoming complicating.. when all you want to just live your life normally and do things your way.. suddenly you have some people flaunting things in your face and just begging for recognition. Then there are times when they act really innocent in front of you.. But behind your back, they will just stab you with a dagger and pretend that everything is fine, even as you bleed on the roadside.. calling out for help. Or others that pretend that they are the injured party and claim compensation.. and then bleed the poor person out from the money.
How abt people who do their very best to cover the organization's ass by making sure their employees stay above the law... and refuse to turn in evidence to Police when it is clear that there is child abuse in the institution. It is crazy.. really crazy!!! How can organizations try and save their reputation and go into damage control mode when they are hurting and traumatizing CHILDREN for life.. FOR THEIR WHOLE LIFE... they are forced to remember and bear in mind the sexual abuse ADULTS had inflicted on them. Sick.. are they so gutless to prey on children knowing that they are incapable of doing so on adults.
I tell you.. the worst people that can exist on earth are the people who prey on the helpless.. coz they are too coward to try it on those who can and will bring them down.. It is damn hypocritical to use power to do damage control.. even as the damage control would effectively destroy and traumautize the life of those affected.
Reality.. is UNFAIR..
As long as you continue to be yourself, that's enough
-Shigure Sohma, Fruit Basket-
Never throw your life away.
Touya: There are no such things are coincidences in this world--
Kaho: --there is only the inevitable.
Nothing costs as much as loving-
except not loving
-C.S Lewis, The four loves-
Love is different for everyone, Yahiko.
Among a hundred different people there would be a hundred different forms of love
-Okina, Rurouni Kenshin
Sometimes people forget that they have the courage to live.
But as long as they have something in their hearts to believe in, that courage will never vanish
-Sakura Kinomoto, Tsubasa Chronicles
Regret is just a waste of time for fools
-Cho Hakkai, Saiyuki
Welcome to this illusion I've created. A world of our own, with our rules
-Seishirō Sakurazuka X/1999