My Sancturay~

I just feel suffocated time and time again... REALLY REALLY... 24 hrs is not enough.. and there is this need to just escape and scream for solitude. And i feel vulnerable to insults, criticisms.. and feel so... emotional with others.

Perhaps i should solve all the problems and keeps thoughts and feelings to myself. After all, if i don't share about my life.. i don't have to be suspected to the rejection when people don't think i am worthy to open their lives with.

It is not really much the need to feel needed. Rather i wish there is a bond.

Perhaps i am too self centered... perhaps i am asking for too much.

But is it wrong sometimes to just ask, whether anyone is just willing to stop, think and try to figure out what is going on?

I am making sacrifices.. is it enough, or i am making too little for you guys? That what i am trying to juggle.. is too little?

I don't know how you guys work.. i don't know how you guys think.. But i know, that if someone doesn't stop and try to think of others (me) i would most probably just scumble to some breakdown where people want my time and i can only be in one place at the time

HECK! You don't understand when i am already booked for another project.. don't try and throw the smelly face at me and start sulking. You want to sulk, just SULK.. but try to be understanding.. you might feel that you had to travel more than me.. but i would rather if you guys just stop cramping my personal space and give me room to breath. You want me to work my best.. Stop making it as though i am not tired as well.. You guys get to go home sometimes.. i don't. YOu have weekends. I have to go to church and have other commitments. I even start sacrificing my saturdays just to do the projects. Don't come to me and start asking for time that I CANNOT MAKE!

I am not God. I don't control time
I wish time can slow down... but i can't... so boo to you!

11:29 am

Utter madness...

That are the two words i can describe my life at the moment. It is just insane that it has come to the point where i can't have any personal time to vent out my thoughts and feelings. I am bombarded by deadlines, emotions and feelings that i wish I don't have to deal with at the moment.

But it has come to a point that i feel very awkward with guys... I don't know. I feel as though i am beginning to be paranoid. I look at a few guys and i always wonder whether they have an ulterior motive behind certain actions... I am really getting uneasy with one of my classmate- yes, the same one in countless of entries

I avoid him at all cost.. feel awkward to even pass him consciously. I can only talk or do things around him comfortably unconsciously. Does it even make sense? I mean, why am i really clamming up. Honestly clamming up

No, i don't like him, or have feelings for him.. But sometimes my friends make things seem as though there is something going on... It's very irritating.. and to the point make me feel AWFULLY uncomfortable..

I dread the day when my pastor comes back. It will be awkward at the best... Fireworks if something happens... But i want it to be settled and not just be swepted under the rug for so long...

Haiz~ a little jumbled out with my thoughts. But finally gotten out the one abt the guys thingy of my chest...

9:08 pm

Quotes

As long as you continue to be yourself, that's enough
-Shigure Sohma, Fruit Basket-

Never throw your life away.
-Folken, Escaflowne-

Touya: There are no such things are coincidences in this world--
Kaho: --there is only the inevitable.
-Cardcaptor Sakura-

Nothing costs as much as loving-
except not loving
-C.S Lewis, The four loves-

Love is different for everyone, Yahiko.
Among a hundred different people
there would be a hundred different forms of love
-Okina, Rurouni Kenshin

Sometimes people forget that they have the courage to live.
But as long as they have something in their hearts to believe in,
that courage will never vanish
-Sakura Kinomoto, Tsubasa Chronicles

Regret is just a waste of time for fools
-Cho Hakkai, Saiyuki

Welcome to this illusion I've created.
A world of our own, with our rules
-Seishirō Sakurazuka X/1999