My Sancturay~

Rule number 1
Don't ever look at Ben's gf blog...

This smart girl has the stupidity to read through her blog... and man, saw pics of the bf in suit... without the tie of course.

He didn't even wear that formally during PJC prom night.

Girl... get this in your thick fat skull.. If you carry on like this.. you will only hurt yourself and no one else. So just drop it and forget about it!

Rule number 2..
remember how jackass guys are. And the following things will happen:
You wouldn't fall for sweet talks
You won't fall for the caring gestures
You won't fall for the guy
You won't get hurt when you realise that he was too dense in realising what he had done
Or
You won't get hurt when you realise that he was just playing a game- so that they can get closer to another girl

I'm a cynic. I am a freaking damn cynic... in love and guys.
And i wonder.. how can people call me romantic? It doesn't make sense.

8:06 pm

Love stories are unrealistic, unreasonable and just downright ridiculous

But why do we love it?

It is unrealistic... something that won't happen in the world, hence we dream
It is unreasonable.. something that doesn't make sense- like how can a lady forgive a guy for using her, hence we envy how they overcome the odds
It is ridiculous.. but since we have a healthy dose of reality, we should make room for fasination.

Isn't that the appeal of love stories?

Romantic at heart.. but yet at the same time.. unable to get a romance of a lifetime.

Unrealistic expectation.. or just too hard on the guys that exist in reality? *shrug* who knows

8:27 pm

Once more.. i have to be disillusion regarding the guys that i know.

Haiz~ It is sad.. sometimes as a girl you doubt yourself as a lady and wonder what is exactly wrong with you. Is it the way you carry yourself, or is it more the way how guys look at you- friend, sister.. anything except something more.

When i had time speculating what on earth the guy was talking about- i realise that he was already interested in someone else, who is attached. What's wrong with you guys? You guys just want things that you can't get right??!!! So pissing off!

I can just don't care already. If they want to treat me as a friend, then fine, i will treat them as friends. If there is anything from my side, i won't care anymore. I will just treat them like friends.. even if my mind says otherwise.

If they have anything to say- i will wait for them to spit it out. I ain't going to be independent modern lady who will do things... The guys want to get things done, then they jolly well work their way through and slog their ass off before they can win my heart.

I am sick and tired of making a fool of myself around guys. They won't hear anything from me anymore except this 'we are friends right?'

9:06 pm

The sadness of leaving the course hurts

I don't know why... But the sense of alienation. The fact that there is nothing to look forward to except of weeks of job-hunting. I want to find a job that last for three months.. then i don't have to go on for anymore job hunt anymore. It is so freaking tiring.

But i think that behind the frustration.. the saddest thing is that when school reopen, i won't see the friends that i bonded for two years.. and a little nagging thought in my head keeps echoing
'You drop out of your course, failure'

The sad reality of life.. dropping out of the course is equalivant to failure. I don't know is it a mindset of Singaporeans, or is it me just being over-paranoid.
Why should it be considered a failure? People switch majors halfway through their studies, i known of people who had stop studying in Universtiy in order to enter the course i was previously in. Why am i different? Why is the sense of failure stronger?

Was it because i couldn't handle the clinicals? Is it fair to punish me for the fact that i couldn't survive through my clinicals?

If there is one thing that i feel relief, it is that i no longer have to act as though i love the course. Well, i love the modules that i was taught- the fun ones. But there was a point of time i was so tired out by the whole idea of helping and helping and helping.. and everyone looking down on me just because I am in the HCP.

Some say i have the sincerity and the passion to help people. But i say that the facade is tiring out. I like to help people, not too long though, and not for life. It is crazy, very crazy.. and maddening for me to carry on like that. To go clinicals after clinicals, facing criticism from people around me, and to feel as though i am inferior. I don't get what the whole world is up to.

I'm rambling.

It's hard. The world out there is mean and gloomy. I don't know what to expect in life... Just that.. just that i know that at the end of everything, the only thing that make sense is the fact that my existance on earth is not just for fun, or for show... it is used as a testimony, and a blessing to people around me... And only through Christ, i can make sense in this world, a world that i wish i would never need to face

6:01 pm

This little girl is pathatic... She is still hung up on an old crush.. To think that she is debating which school to go to with him in mind.. and then thinking whether she can bear it if the gf happens to join him the next year.

Yes, the girl is pathatic. And she hates it. Despite the words and facts that they are just friends.. the little girl still sees him as an ideal guy. The one that she compares other guys with. And when the time comes when she forgotten what is so special about him, he has to pop up and prove that he is different from the other guys.. which made her fall for him to start with.

Why can't she let go? Many say that there are better fishes to catch in the sea. However, where are the fishes? Are they being caught by others already?

But i guess that if she wait long enough, a special someone would walk into her life and turn it upside down.. with the adventures that she could never imagine. And perhaps finally she will have the whole chocolate chip cookies than the crumbs that she settled with all the long..

10:45 am

Quotes

As long as you continue to be yourself, that's enough
-Shigure Sohma, Fruit Basket-

Never throw your life away.
-Folken, Escaflowne-

Touya: There are no such things are coincidences in this world--
Kaho: --there is only the inevitable.
-Cardcaptor Sakura-

Nothing costs as much as loving-
except not loving
-C.S Lewis, The four loves-

Love is different for everyone, Yahiko.
Among a hundred different people
there would be a hundred different forms of love
-Okina, Rurouni Kenshin

Sometimes people forget that they have the courage to live.
But as long as they have something in their hearts to believe in,
that courage will never vanish
-Sakura Kinomoto, Tsubasa Chronicles

Regret is just a waste of time for fools
-Cho Hakkai, Saiyuki

Welcome to this illusion I've created.
A world of our own, with our rules
-Seishirō Sakurazuka X/1999