Tuesday, April 10, 2007

The sadness of leaving the course hurts

I don't know why... But the sense of alienation. The fact that there is nothing to look forward to except of weeks of job-hunting. I want to find a job that last for three months.. then i don't have to go on for anymore job hunt anymore. It is so freaking tiring.

But i think that behind the frustration.. the saddest thing is that when school reopen, i won't see the friends that i bonded for two years.. and a little nagging thought in my head keeps echoing
'You drop out of your course, failure'

The sad reality of life.. dropping out of the course is equalivant to failure. I don't know is it a mindset of Singaporeans, or is it me just being over-paranoid.
Why should it be considered a failure? People switch majors halfway through their studies, i known of people who had stop studying in Universtiy in order to enter the course i was previously in. Why am i different? Why is the sense of failure stronger?

Was it because i couldn't handle the clinicals? Is it fair to punish me for the fact that i couldn't survive through my clinicals?

If there is one thing that i feel relief, it is that i no longer have to act as though i love the course. Well, i love the modules that i was taught- the fun ones. But there was a point of time i was so tired out by the whole idea of helping and helping and helping.. and everyone looking down on me just because I am in the HCP.

Some say i have the sincerity and the passion to help people. But i say that the facade is tiring out. I like to help people, not too long though, and not for life. It is crazy, very crazy.. and maddening for me to carry on like that. To go clinicals after clinicals, facing criticism from people around me, and to feel as though i am inferior. I don't get what the whole world is up to.

I'm rambling.

It's hard. The world out there is mean and gloomy. I don't know what to expect in life... Just that.. just that i know that at the end of everything, the only thing that make sense is the fact that my existance on earth is not just for fun, or for show... it is used as a testimony, and a blessing to people around me... And only through Christ, i can make sense in this world, a world that i wish i would never need to face

6:01 PM

As long as you continue to be yourself, that's enough
-Shigure Sohma, Fruit Basket-

Never throw your life away.
-Folken, Escaflowne-

Touya: There are no such things are coincidences in this world--
Kaho: --there is only the inevitable.
-Cardcaptor Sakura-

Nothing costs as much as loving-
except not loving
-C.S Lewis, The four loves-

Love is different for everyone, Yahiko.
Among a hundred different people
there would be a hundred different forms of love
-Okina, Rurouni Kenshin

Sometimes people forget that they have the courage to live.
But as long as they have something in their hearts to believe in,
that courage will never vanish
-Sakura Kinomoto, Tsubasa Chronicles

Regret is just a waste of time for fools
-Cho Hakkai, Saiyuki

Welcome to this illusion I've created.
A world of our own, with our rules
-SeishirĊ Sakurazuka X/1999

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Eric Sim aka Kukuthebird