My Sancturay~

And I thought i have moved on. It's his birthday. Friday would be the... 3rd yr since i kinda ruined everything (depends on whose prespective).

At the rate things are going, I will never want to fall in love. I rather wait for someone to do it and then i decide whether it's worth loving or not. Empty promises and resolution. If i found someone really good, i would repeat the whole cycle all over again.

Anyway, i digress.

It's his 21st bday. And i won't want be there. For a few reasons.
1) The girlfriend is there
2) My JC mates are there
3) There is no point travelling for at least 2hrs there and back if i only intend to stay there for a short while and zao.

Why? I guess I'm fine if he has a gf and stuff. But the fact is that i have to put up a happy front and also brace on the onslaught of my JC classmates questionings when they realise i quit my course would be too much for me. It is suppose to be a happy moment for him. I don't wish for my presence to be a wet blanket. I want some dignity you know.

But the thought of me not attending his celebration somehow makes me a little bittersweet. I'm just a friend... sometimes one who would go crazy over anime and stuff. But nothing more could result from it. So basically it is a lost cause.

It annoys me that i am still clinging on at the end of the rope. I don't know this fondness for him is because that it is natural to feel that way for a friend or it's something more. I

f i can convince myself that my presence is insignificant, then i guess that would end it right?
But what if i don't want my presence to be insignificant in his life?

I guess that's the main issue isn't it?

11:07 am

I wonder what is the charm of unrequitted love?
Or the fact that there are certain stories that never seem to have a happy ending.

Currently working on a fanfic.. and i'm quite sure it would end sadly. The day i write happy sweet love stories are the days when you know that my love life is going on just fine.

I am beginning to realise that i don't really form many close relationship with people around me. Even i will hold off part of myself from the closest people around me.

There are many people who knows different sides of me. But i can barely count with one hand those who truly know every single facade of me.

sad sad sad..

quite grumpy for the past few days.. don't really understand why..

11:37 am

I wonder, why people are willing to spend $1000 for a plain looking tote which is branded? Is 'brandism' so prevalent that you need to have branded stuff to look rich and affluent?

Frankly, I hope i would never grow up and become so self conscious over brands that i waste money on trival stuff and not invest in more important things.

I feel very sianz at work. Luckily I am not studying anything related to accounting. Despite the fact i love numbers, accounting isn't really much about numbers. It's making sure that cash flow into the company is more than the cash flow out of the company and balancing the figures to make sure the outside auditors be happy with the way we go about balancing the accounts.

But as i slog through my final month at work, the question that truly bothers me is what sort of job that honestly appeals to me.
I don't have the linguistic skill to weave words into beautiful poetry
I don't have the ability to be precise
I'm careless with my work- being careful would drain out a lot of my energy.

Sometimes i feel as though my only profession that i can be comfortable with is being a student. But it's a profession that requires to spend money rather than to earn it.

I thrive on deadlines. But i prefer a short respite after each dateline. Accounts department never get rest. Once you clear one deadline, you realise there is another looming at you. And the cycle continues until you stop working.
Of course, it doesn't help that you are understaffed and the colleagues around you don't make an effort to help out (especially your boss)

But i realise, once again, that no matter where you are, you bound to encounter office politics. Only a smart and quiet person can get away from it scott free. So the only thing that i can do is just to keep quiet... -_-"

It's a random prattling of words, trying to figure out what to write. But since it is my private diary, no one here knows my name, or my face (well at most two ba).. i am entitled to my own rattling.

I was dwelling in the past for a while, and somehow i have to balance the lost from quitting my course and venturing into something new with the fact that i might have a higher chance of figuring out what i want to do with my life.

That's bad. Not knowing what to do with my life at my age is extremely worrying.

12:05 pm

Sometimes i wonder, what makes people so well loved?

Is it their chrisma?
Is it their charm?
or is it their love for others?

It's funny. All my life, i always wanted to be somewhat popular, or at least be well liked among my friends.. or at least have an interesting life
And so far, i think my life is simply.. plain.

I keep wasting my emotions on the wrong people. Trying to please those who could never be pleased, and not caring for those who accept me for who i am.

Sometimes i still wonder, am i too demanding, or have ridiculous high standards...
I AM a pushover. And i hate it. Maybe i hate confrontations. So when it happens, i would be the one backing down and then hating myself for not standing firm on my ground.

Being a demanding girl and yet being a pushover seems very contridicting.. I can't demand and yet fold easily to other people's opinions at the same time....

Yes, it's another self-pity post. But i'm snapping out of it.
Because being too popular or having too many friends is bad. You don't really know who are the real ones who really stick by you.

I always prefer to have a small number of close friends than a wide network of acquitance..

4:08 pm

One of the little joys in life is to always smile no matter what cards fate has dealt you with.

Today is one of the times that i could laugh and maybe bristle a little, and know that i am just acting.

A simple phone call and i was thrown back to the JC era. An era that i made a mistake thinking i like someone and realise that actually i am more captivated by someone else.
An era that made me wish that i could have just forgotten whatever he had said and just be a 'friend' once more.
An era which my darkest period of unrequitted love occured.

I think she was just trying to make a conversation. Or perhaps trying to figure out whether I still have feelings.

It's a lie, perhaps, to say that i am totally indifferent to him. Because guys like him commands emotion- happiness, anger, sadness, pain. You cannot be experiencing a void of emotion when you hang around with him. That is plain simple fact.

Then what are my emotions with regards to him?

Respect, a small portion of fondness, a great joy of laughter-especially when i am down.

A friend perhaps... i think i could consider him as a friend.

4:44 pm