My Sancturay~

There is a story that i want to share.

There was this 12 years old girl who thought that she had everything. Friends, good marks (Except for Mandarin) and the world was going for her.

One day, a teacher made a positive remark about her, causing one of her friends to come to her during break and teased that she was the teacher's pet.

Frustrated, she lost her temper and told her friend off, saying that she was not the teacher's pet.
She has a rotten temper and was not in the mood to be teased.

At 12, the world could be mean. With lapse of control, her friends, the ones that she treasured turned against her. Word spreaded like wild fire, saying that the girl was a bad tempered girl and should not friend her.
Wihthin a day, she lost all her friends. But knowing that she was wrong to lose her temper, she approached the ones that she angered. She followed them to the toilet and apologised to them. However they closed the door on her, refusing to say anything regarding the apology. Broken hearted, she closed herself up and left the toilet, deciding that she had to be alone.

The following months were painful ones. The girl didn't eat during recess because she had no one to sit with. She would go off in her own solitude, vowing not to be dependent on friends again.

Funny though, 2-3 years later, she was in talking terms with a few of them. However, there was one of them that she couldn't mend the fence with. Even so, she hoped. During the rare times the girl met her, she smiled and said hi. The person refused to even look at her as she turned her attention to the one beside her and started a conversation.

The girl hardened her heart, refusing to forgive people who don't want to forgive her.

7 years later, the girl made another mistake again with another close friend which involved the parents. She asked for understanding and she never got it from the friend or from the parents. Even the adults around her demanded her to apologise for something she didn't think she should apologise for.

And people wonder why the girl refuses to let it go...

Perhaps we know why.

11:38 pm

I'm trying to grasp whether it is my anti-social nature that makes me feel ailenated with the group, or is it just me truly unable to click with the right group.

Or is it age that left me cynical and wary?

The idea of being alone is so scary that it can make me scream. But yet at the same time, I crave to be alone much too often.

Where do I strike a balance? Or will i really freeze up and be alone?

I am finding it harder to fit in University and BSF. Why was it only 2 yrs ago i could chat and be so ignorant of people and find really good pals.

I truly miss them. Their crap and the jokes.
And the knowledge that they will be available when i send an SOS.

Painted picture veiled with silk
Seems so appealing yet so fake
The fingers itched to discover the truth
Only to realise everything was a lie

Unpredictable and unloved
Seeking refuge out of nowhere
Hating every moment yet begging for some
Disillusioned and lost

Picture ripped apart
Colours smudged
Painting destroyed
At a snap of a finger

They say happy ever after
I say they lied
Only a few would have it
But I’m not one of them

4:01 pm

It's strange. After 6 mths of not mixing with guys around my age, the sudden influx of guys is jsut overwhelming.

I was not intending to search for a potential bf or anything along that line.

But it is just that, when i went for orientation, i just feel like i'm not capable to engage a conversation with a guy. And that can be very demoralizing when I see other girls being able to do that.
Perhaps i need to lower down my porcupine defence.
Either that, or i just can't try to hard to make guys like me.

But i'm quite lovable by nature right?

Sighz~ worrying over such trival stuff is certainly a waste of time.

But sometimes, confidence level can be so low that i had to resort to such tactics to make myself feel good. And i hate that!

5:18 pm

Now I know...

I know why I got so worked up.

I got worked up because i felt cornered and the need to defend myself. To justify that I am not lazy and that I do care about what I am doing. But I felt guilty for not checking it out sooner than you ask me.

I got angry and hurt when you told me that after lecturing you, that i shouldn't treat you as a servant. If you are my servant, then where is my mom? Don't tell me I don't have a mom anymore?

A mom who loves me no matter how bad I am?
A mom who cares for me even when i am the most rotten girl in the worlD.
A mom who I know won't reject me no matter how hard I push.

Time and time again, I have known and love the people who rejected me and push me away.
When I cared, I was asked not to care
When I loved, I was asked not to love
When I tried my hardest, my hardest was not enough
When I sacrificed everything, my everything was not enough

So perhaps I was still trying to test my theory
When I scream at her after all that, she would tell me that I'm still her little girl
When I quarrel with her, after all that, will she be willing to let it slide
When I made mistakes, after all that, will she still accept me.

Maybe I pushed hard, shoved harder, screamed louder, say more hurtful things,because I expect my parents, my family that I am not worthy to be their child. That would then prove my theory that I am not capable to be loved

My parents ask me to change
My brother don't care much abt me
My other brother isn't normal
I don't like myself. If i had met me, I would most probably stay away from her. But she is precisely doing all this just to get attention and seek some response from me. To accept means she is capable to be loved. To reject would means her theory of being capable to be loved holds true.

And after all this, she thinks that the theory do hold some weight- she is indeed, to some extent, just waiting to be whack, hit and abuse because she isn't capable to be loved.

Then I better not get married. If not, I might join the list of wives who are either emotional, physically or mentally abused or perhaps, even be at the receiving end of all the three abuses mentioned above.

Perhaps that's why I want a dog.
At least they are the only thing on earth (so far that I know of) who is capable to love without demanding to be loved.

It could then love someone as unlovable as me.

8:07 pm

Quotes

As long as you continue to be yourself, that's enough
-Shigure Sohma, Fruit Basket-

Never throw your life away.
-Folken, Escaflowne-

Touya: There are no such things are coincidences in this world--
Kaho: --there is only the inevitable.
-Cardcaptor Sakura-

Nothing costs as much as loving-
except not loving
-C.S Lewis, The four loves-

Love is different for everyone, Yahiko.
Among a hundred different people
there would be a hundred different forms of love
-Okina, Rurouni Kenshin

Sometimes people forget that they have the courage to live.
But as long as they have something in their hearts to believe in,
that courage will never vanish
-Sakura Kinomoto, Tsubasa Chronicles

Regret is just a waste of time for fools
-Cho Hakkai, Saiyuki

Welcome to this illusion I've created.
A world of our own, with our rules
-Seishirō Sakurazuka X/1999