Saturday, August 04, 2007

Now I know...

I know why I got so worked up.

I got worked up because i felt cornered and the need to defend myself. To justify that I am not lazy and that I do care about what I am doing. But I felt guilty for not checking it out sooner than you ask me.

I got angry and hurt when you told me that after lecturing you, that i shouldn't treat you as a servant. If you are my servant, then where is my mom? Don't tell me I don't have a mom anymore?

A mom who loves me no matter how bad I am?
A mom who cares for me even when i am the most rotten girl in the worlD.
A mom who I know won't reject me no matter how hard I push.

Time and time again, I have known and love the people who rejected me and push me away.
When I cared, I was asked not to care
When I loved, I was asked not to love
When I tried my hardest, my hardest was not enough
When I sacrificed everything, my everything was not enough

So perhaps I was still trying to test my theory
When I scream at her after all that, she would tell me that I'm still her little girl
When I quarrel with her, after all that, will she be willing to let it slide
When I made mistakes, after all that, will she still accept me.

Maybe I pushed hard, shoved harder, screamed louder, say more hurtful things,because I expect my parents, my family that I am not worthy to be their child. That would then prove my theory that I am not capable to be loved

My parents ask me to change
My brother don't care much abt me
My other brother isn't normal
I don't like myself. If i had met me, I would most probably stay away from her. But she is precisely doing all this just to get attention and seek some response from me. To accept means she is capable to be loved. To reject would means her theory of being capable to be loved holds true.

And after all this, she thinks that the theory do hold some weight- she is indeed, to some extent, just waiting to be whack, hit and abuse because she isn't capable to be loved.

Then I better not get married. If not, I might join the list of wives who are either emotional, physically or mentally abused or perhaps, even be at the receiving end of all the three abuses mentioned above.

Perhaps that's why I want a dog.
At least they are the only thing on earth (so far that I know of) who is capable to love without demanding to be loved.

It could then love someone as unlovable as me.

8:07 PM

As long as you continue to be yourself, that's enough
-Shigure Sohma, Fruit Basket-

Never throw your life away.
-Folken, Escaflowne-

Touya: There are no such things are coincidences in this world--
Kaho: --there is only the inevitable.
-Cardcaptor Sakura-

Nothing costs as much as loving-
except not loving
-C.S Lewis, The four loves-

Love is different for everyone, Yahiko.
Among a hundred different people
there would be a hundred different forms of love
-Okina, Rurouni Kenshin

Sometimes people forget that they have the courage to live.
But as long as they have something in their hearts to believe in,
that courage will never vanish
-Sakura Kinomoto, Tsubasa Chronicles

Regret is just a waste of time for fools
-Cho Hakkai, Saiyuki

Welcome to this illusion I've created.
A world of our own, with our rules
-SeishirĊ Sakurazuka X/1999

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Eric Sim aka Kukuthebird