My Sancturay~

Okay, I am going to blog this just once to look back in the future and tell myself I am such a nuthead. It will be a therapeutic process and since not many know about this blog, it should be safe to just be myself. *take in deep breath*

Ben just broke up a few days ago. I should be elated. But I am not. If anything, i wish that he doesn't need to suffer the heartache of breaking up.
I just wish... that he would just be happy. I mean, breaking up isn't the end of the world. But it is necessary to go through the pain before learning from it and then emerge stronger.

But i just wish, for something else.. that he does not need to go through it. And it is ridiculous. Maybe what I wish more is that he articulate his feelings and let me know what he is going through right now. That I could be a listening ear for him.

And I can continue wishing for stardust... and pigs to fly.. and cows to come home... Because I know deep inside that I am not significant in his life. I am a passing friend in JC who he meets up once in a while. But now, I don't have much a role to play... not now, not ever.

So wake up and smell the coffee, or tea, or the smell of fresh rain. Don't get caught up with the past. The past doesn't wait for you. Look forward, and smile. Things happen for a reason. If it was meant to be, then so be it. If this is how it ticks, i won't waste my time and energy to stop it.

So wake up dear, your affections, emotions and feelings are for someone else, someone that you will meet in the future.

But for now, I just pray that I would meet a guy who i will spend my entire life with.. I don't think i am strong enough to survive break-up in a relationship

10:16 pm

Why is it there my heart still breaks each time i read something sad happen in your life?

My heart broke when i saw the fact you are single, despite the fact that if I habour something for you, i should be elated.

Maybe I am being very silly- you don't know about me. You don't really think our friendship is worth that much. Maybe distance should put a gap between the both of us.

If so, why on earth am I not recovering from you. Instead, i am just feeling things all over again...

I don't make sense. Do I? Well, I wish I didn't make sense too.. but right now, i just wish my feelings for you is nothing more than just friends- even though that is highly unlikely

2:29 pm

I just feel that I have to learn how to shut up.

The world doesn't need my opinions.
People doesn't need my suggestions
People care less of what I think and feel
People don't really bother trying to figure out who I am

I just want to keep quiet and just be myself. Just leave me to be.

I wonder what made me so determine to keep talking, to get the conversation going and not learn that silence is good.

Maybe i should learn how to shut up now and then. Then the world would be a better place.

They don't have to see my mood swings, my dramatic act, and my worries and concern and pain when they go through things that could be avoided.

Maybe I should consider what it would be like to just disappear or drop off the face of the earth... that would be interesting then.

10:54 pm

I'm tired from this rat race.

This rat race to get a good degree. Doing well for the sake of a good paper qualification.

I just want to throw my towel and insist that no one should rob me my joy of studying. I will learn my Japanese language the way I want it... I want to enjoy it in the manner that i could use the language, speak it and be understood by Japanese natives.

I just want to enjoy my University life and not get caught up by the rat race...

Can i?

10:36 pm

Quotes

As long as you continue to be yourself, that's enough
-Shigure Sohma, Fruit Basket-

Never throw your life away.
-Folken, Escaflowne-

Touya: There are no such things are coincidences in this world--
Kaho: --there is only the inevitable.
-Cardcaptor Sakura-

Nothing costs as much as loving-
except not loving
-C.S Lewis, The four loves-

Love is different for everyone, Yahiko.
Among a hundred different people
there would be a hundred different forms of love
-Okina, Rurouni Kenshin

Sometimes people forget that they have the courage to live.
But as long as they have something in their hearts to believe in,
that courage will never vanish
-Sakura Kinomoto, Tsubasa Chronicles

Regret is just a waste of time for fools
-Cho Hakkai, Saiyuki

Welcome to this illusion I've created.
A world of our own, with our rules
-Seishirō Sakurazuka X/1999