My Sancturay~

Feb 10, i swore not to keep in contact.

A few days later, he started flooding my chatterbox constantly.

Talk about reality being a bitch. You are all out to move on. It comes from behind to bite you hard.

Then when you think that life is normal once more, you realise that it isn't reality.. it's nonsense.

I gave up seriously. I don't know any of my PJC friends anymore. Who are they? What they are? If you ask me- eh, do you have anyone who you are in contact with in jc? I tell you, i will say no.

I dont' know who they are. I don't want to try figuring them out either. I'm tired. If they have gatherings, I won't make an effort to go. If Nette ask me to meet up with her and pull Sean and Ben along, I will refuse.

I'm tired, I'm sick of it, of everything. He.. ben... will join my list of guys that I go 'A good anime friend, soccer kaki and NOTHING else. I won't brawl my eyes out over the most sensitive things and the most heart wrenching things. Forget it. I won't brawl it out to anyone in my JC anymore.

I can't do alot of things anymore. That is the price of not choosing the right friends when you are in school. Friends that you can ask them to stay with you for life.

I wonder how many people really know me.

10:59 am

Girl...

You know.. 4 years on a guy who doesn't really think much of you. It isn't worth it.

There are times that people have to talk it out. But you know what's the worst thing? I cannot phrase it into words. I feel like.. I can't say it out. So I'm going to try now.

I liked his smile, his positive attitude. Most of all, I liked the way he can calm me down when I am anxious and worried. But during this 2-3 years away from him, I start to wonder, 'do i still like him, or do i prefer the memory of him more?'

Hence my problem.. If I get to know him now, will I still love him?

Deep inside, based on whatever I'm going through now. I think it's too much of an effort to continue loving him. He doesn't talk. He doesn't share. I have to probe.
I hate to probe. It is because when I want to know what's the problem, I will dive head into the issue. I won't waste time tiptoeing, dipping my feet in the 'test'. How many times I gotten myself hurt? How many times have I made my life miserable? Yet this is the fastest way because I hate wasting time and effort investing on things that are not worth while.

So where does that leave me? A love that is based on past experience? Or something that is tangible and real? Heck, it's not that I am having a one-sided love affair with a person. I'm having it with an image, an ideal of a person. Now tell me, what am I doing?

11:18 pm

I know what I'm going to do...

I stubbornly refuse to let him get me and control me at this age. If he cares, then he cares. If he doesn't, forget it. I never wanted to settle for crumbs. And you know what, no matter how 'ideal' he is, I will NEVER settle for crumbs.

It isn't about pride, or integrity. It's just self respect. I don't want to force my way in and end up being resented for it. I mean, what for?!? Seriously?!?

So I am going to close it. Not that I won't read his blog. I would. But I refuse to just sigh and wish I can help him through this troubled period. If he wants to mop over a girl who doesn't love him back, then go ahead. It's pathetic. I find myself pathetic. So, I am not being hypocritical as well.

But at the end of the day, at the age of 22, if he thinks that love just ends at one relationship, then I guess he doesn't have the capability to look beyond his circle and realise that life and love is out there to reach out and catch it with both hands..

3:44 pm

It is official...

This girl is so pathatic.

Why? She feels sad when she no longer sees him on line.. And she goes and blog partly because of his request for her to update.

And what am I to him?!? I don't know.. I don't care. I am not a friend. I don't know what he thinks of me?

As Nette's friend, a JC classmate and that's it. She isn't really significant in my life. Just one sad girl who is still hung up on him

Why thanks... This girl is pathatic to borderline idiot when it comes to love and relationships. I mean... *roll eyes* being hung up for almost 4 years isn't any joke okay. I refuse.. SHIT... I SERIOUSLY REFUSE TO BE HUNG UP ON A GUY FOR MORE THAN 4 YEARS. I did for one guy once.. and it was in secondary school....

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10:41 pm

Quotes

As long as you continue to be yourself, that's enough
-Shigure Sohma, Fruit Basket-

Never throw your life away.
-Folken, Escaflowne-

Touya: There are no such things are coincidences in this world--
Kaho: --there is only the inevitable.
-Cardcaptor Sakura-

Nothing costs as much as loving-
except not loving
-C.S Lewis, The four loves-

Love is different for everyone, Yahiko.
Among a hundred different people
there would be a hundred different forms of love
-Okina, Rurouni Kenshin

Sometimes people forget that they have the courage to live.
But as long as they have something in their hearts to believe in,
that courage will never vanish
-Sakura Kinomoto, Tsubasa Chronicles

Regret is just a waste of time for fools
-Cho Hakkai, Saiyuki

Welcome to this illusion I've created.
A world of our own, with our rules
-Seishirō Sakurazuka X/1999