It is quite funny. After wondering why I am so weak, I realise that I cannot stop caring for Ben because he has become someone special. It seems strange to say that. Yeah, he is still a nice guy. But I guess it is impossible for anything to happen between the both of us- we lead very different lives right now. I think he is a good boyfriend material. However, I have accepted that I am not his type. So I will not speculate whether I have a chance to be his girlfriend.
But it has not stopped me from being a friend. And it is quite stupid throwing away what I already have just because I could not get something that was unattainable. And I realise that my actions are normal. It is normal to be worried when I see my friend going through difficult period in his/her life, the longing to just support them and cheer him/her on when they hit a snag in his/her journey though life.
And that is when I realise that while I care for him, I don't think I am in love with him. I don't think I love him enough to share my life with. But I love him as a friend, a brother and my only hope is that he will feel the same way as well. If he cares for me (which I think he does in his own ways), I think I am just satisified... :)
This isn't a post that is to convince myself that I don't love him anymore. But it is a post that put things in perspective- knowing that Ben will always be a special person in my life. But he is no longer a person that I am unable to get. He is a special friend who somehow manage to put up with me after being so emotionally immature.
It is just amazing... Yes, I do hate his guts once in a while. But he is my friend, I have to be easy with his faults and depend on his strengths.. :)
As long as you continue to be yourself, that's enough
-Shigure Sohma, Fruit Basket-
Never throw your life away.
Touya: There are no such things are coincidences in this world--
Kaho: --there is only the inevitable.
Nothing costs as much as loving-
except not loving
-C.S Lewis, The four loves-
Love is different for everyone, Yahiko.
Among a hundred different people there would be a hundred different forms of love
-Okina, Rurouni Kenshin
Sometimes people forget that they have the courage to live.
But as long as they have something in their hearts to believe in, that courage will never vanish
-Sakura Kinomoto, Tsubasa Chronicles
Regret is just a waste of time for fools
-Cho Hakkai, Saiyuki
Welcome to this illusion I've created. A world of our own, with our rules
-Seishirō Sakurazuka X/1999