My Sancturay~

When I am fond of a guy, is it so obvious? Or is it to the point that people start speculating whether I have feelings for the guy.

I am currently quite frustrated. Each time I see someone who has a bit of my brother's personality or character, I get attracted to it, which is basically the humour and the ability to appreciate my lame jokes. I am certainly not fussy over looks. Who knows how many times my friends stares at my choice of guy and go 'what are you thinking girl?'. But then, is it just too much that every time I like a guy, he will be emotionally unavailable?

Fine. Maybe I am watching too much J-Drama.. Hana Yori Dango, Kimi wa Petto etc etc. But I just get frustrated. It's like... can I just have a guy that I like and the affection is mutual? I hate it each time I get gross out when someone that I least expect ends up telling me that he likes me for some weird reason. And I hate it each time when I find a guy that I like, only to realise that he is way out of my league.

I keep reaching for the stupid brass ring and keep jumping for it till the point I am just frustrated and pissed off. Granted, I sound desperate. So what? I have friends around me dating and at my age, the next stage in life is to find someone who will love you for who you are. Then why on earth am I still standing alone trying to figure out what's wrong with me?

Is there anything that intimidate guys? Or is it just that I look as though I don't care? Yeah yeah.. I think of Makino in Hana Yori Dango and I just wonder why no one likes me still? But it's all in the drama, in the show. There is nothing realistic about it. I cannot apply the examples in my life.

However, it just doesn't make sense. Oh yeah, I know. I don't flirt. I don't give guys who are jackass a chance to date me (who in the right mind agree to become girlfriend number 2 when he comes back to Malaysia during Aussie Uni school holidays? You tell me whether you will do just that!).. Haiz~ And to think the first guy to ask me out is so romantic to the point that I want to puke.

Yes, I'm letting a lot of anger out because I know deep down inside, that perhaps I will never find someone of my standard and my expectations...
Is that what life is all about? To make do with things?

12:54 am

Quotes

As long as you continue to be yourself, that's enough
-Shigure Sohma, Fruit Basket-

Never throw your life away.
-Folken, Escaflowne-

Touya: There are no such things are coincidences in this world--
Kaho: --there is only the inevitable.
-Cardcaptor Sakura-

Nothing costs as much as loving-
except not loving
-C.S Lewis, The four loves-

Love is different for everyone, Yahiko.
Among a hundred different people
there would be a hundred different forms of love
-Okina, Rurouni Kenshin

Sometimes people forget that they have the courage to live.
But as long as they have something in their hearts to believe in,
that courage will never vanish
-Sakura Kinomoto, Tsubasa Chronicles

Regret is just a waste of time for fools
-Cho Hakkai, Saiyuki

Welcome to this illusion I've created.
A world of our own, with our rules
-Seishirō Sakurazuka X/1999