1) I feed off people's emotion. I will get nervous/edgy when the people around me are. If they are excited and enthusastic, I will be able to join in the fun. If they are moody and grumpy, it somehow spills over. I can only be cheerful for a short period of time but if i have no one to bounce it on, I can't sustain for long
2) Because I feed off people's emotion, it can also be said that my opinions about myself also depends on what the people thinks about me. So, I get nervous when they are annoyed at me and so on. Having said that, it means that if I rely on the right person, I should feel relatively positive about myself. But the catch is to find the right person. And I think that it is time to depend on God for that.
3) I will really need to get a role model from the bible. Someone that I can say 'I want to be him/her of this generation'. It will be bragging. However, I really want to follow God more closely than ever.
Sunday, October 05, 2008
I just want to run away once more. It's so draining. I don't have time to write this. But I have to, if not it will just eat me up inside.
I realise how much i fear commitments. You know the type that demands you to invest days, weeks, months and even years of your life to see things through. That is why I guess I like the idea of infactuation but not really commiting to a relationship. Maybe the phobia came from the fact that I was rejected when I was willing to make things work. It didn't only happen with him but also in the church and everything in between. Friendship and blah.
The worst part is that I just have been hanging out with the wrong person. If I have it my way, I want to just put up a shield. I don't think it is wrong that I don't wish to hang out with certain people. But I really don't have the energy and the strength to go about doing it. I need time, personal time. I can hang out with people. But when I am drained and tired.... I just want to talk to someone who is nice but serious, that I do not need to joke to hide my real state of mind. I can just say 'I'm tired.' or 'I don't understand why guys don't like me' and they will be there just listening, really listening and not trying to lighten the mood.
I hide my serious personality behind my joking and crazy side too well. To the point that when I become serious, some wonder what is my problem. I get that since Primary school until now. And I don't think that it will ever go away.
I'm just tired and drained. I just want to rediscover who I am. If I have to cut down the time that I hang out with people, I might do just that. And keep people who I really want to know and get to know better closer. If not, I will just become a hermit and isolate myself from the rest of the world, leaving only me with music and anime to keep me company.
The fact that I can't say this out in my blog says just how tired I am with the fake front. If I paste it there, I just don't think I can stand the idea of people reading it and quietly laughing at me or worse, post on the chatbox 'hey, are you alright?'
Of course I'm not alright you dork. If I'm fine, will I be posting such a post on my blog...
There I go again, thinking the worst about the people around me...
As long as you continue to be yourself, that's enough
-Shigure Sohma, Fruit Basket-
Never throw your life away.
Touya: There are no such things are coincidences in this world--
Kaho: --there is only the inevitable.
Nothing costs as much as loving-
except not loving
-C.S Lewis, The four loves-
Love is different for everyone, Yahiko.
Among a hundred different people there would be a hundred different forms of love
-Okina, Rurouni Kenshin
Sometimes people forget that they have the courage to live.
But as long as they have something in their hearts to believe in, that courage will never vanish
-Sakura Kinomoto, Tsubasa Chronicles
Regret is just a waste of time for fools
-Cho Hakkai, Saiyuki
Welcome to this illusion I've created. A world of our own, with our rules
-Seishirō Sakurazuka X/1999