My Sancturay~

I think I should not make rash decisions during this period- when I am stressed out and worried about my examinations. Besides, i am not suppose to be even blogging, since I am having a paper tomorrow.

But sometimes I wonder, when people talk, do they have some merit to it?? I just wish they stop talking so that I don't unconsciously act out the 'self-fulfilling prophesy'. I don't want that to happen. I don't want my first bf to be the one that make me spend half the time on my toes and stressed out.

I want someone who really loves me and accepts me for who I am. I don't want him to be always comparing me with some chit and pretty cute girl just because I do not fit the profile.

Dang. I am thinking too much. But it is horrible to think of just casually 'date' him. I hope that doesn't happen. *shake head* not at all. I don't want it to happen.

I should really talk to J. Like really talk to him and tell him to stop it. :( I don't want everyone to think that the both of us are a couple. But what can I do to stop it besides ignoring him. And I don't think I should do just that...

No, there must be an alternative.. somehow. To stop the talking, be his friend and hopefully find the one who really loves me for me.

10:10 pm

If I sound incoherent, it is because I am going to fall asleep on my laptop very soon.

Sometimes I wonder why I like them. Yes, them. 3 of them (actually it was suppose to be 2 of them. But Karma decides to be a bitch and let the past sneak up a 3rd one on me). Let's call them BJT. :) Heh

B: JC classmate. He is a total darling. He makes me smile and it is very difficult to be angry with him for long. He calms me down. More importanty, I can be honest and be myself around him. However, there are two flaws abt him. 1) He isn't that cute. 2) He rejected me in JC. Yes, my pride still bristled over that fact.

J: I thought I have finally got over this name. I thought my latest faze are the names that start with the letter B. But apparently that isn't true. Well, he does remind me of my eldest brother (3 years my senior.. same age as my second brother). But he has this level-headedness about him that I really need to stay grounded on the floor when I am nervous. Furthermore, he is a man after God's heart. Having said that, I just wonder whether he is just a friend or do I really like him

T: Oh man, this guy is a total catch. He is cute, easy going, humourous and just utterly charming. He is my eye candy and goodness, I just like the way he smiles. While I gush over him like a girl in a fan club, I really like him. He is very easy to talk to and can be very honest. We do talk about religious issues- but it is about the state of the Singapore churches. The only problem? I don't really feel comfortable with his group of friends (who i know since we are ALL OG buddies). Furthermore, since he is my eye-candy, I have this 'automatic' reaction where I will try to be a 'girl' and forget to be myself around him... Sometimes, he seems unattainable.

Three guys, different strengths, different flaws. One common characteristics- they are very calm by nature. That is what I need. But sometimes I just wonder, is it enough... And if I see a different side of them, will I still be able to accept them? I am not sure how much B has changed. In the past, I can accept his flaws. But now, I am not so sure...

1:01 am

Quotes

As long as you continue to be yourself, that's enough
-Shigure Sohma, Fruit Basket-

Never throw your life away.
-Folken, Escaflowne-

Touya: There are no such things are coincidences in this world--
Kaho: --there is only the inevitable.
-Cardcaptor Sakura-

Nothing costs as much as loving-
except not loving
-C.S Lewis, The four loves-

Love is different for everyone, Yahiko.
Among a hundred different people
there would be a hundred different forms of love
-Okina, Rurouni Kenshin

Sometimes people forget that they have the courage to live.
But as long as they have something in their hearts to believe in,
that courage will never vanish
-Sakura Kinomoto, Tsubasa Chronicles

Regret is just a waste of time for fools
-Cho Hakkai, Saiyuki

Welcome to this illusion I've created.
A world of our own, with our rules
-Seishirō Sakurazuka X/1999