My Sancturay~

I don't understand.

Why is it that when I like someone, the person does not feel the same way? Why is my feelings for others so mismatched? It is always the scenerio that I aim too high for the brass ring and when I try to reach it, I fall right down on my butt hard.

There are some that I can understand. How some ignore me when they find out that I habour a crush on them- which I never had the intention to tell. How some just look at me and give this patronising smile.

Frankly, do you know what I want. I just want people to tell me frankly why they don't think I am suitable for them. Even if it might hurt and pain me. Even if I will go into a furious temper and start throwing darts at your picture (which I haven't tried yet). But I don't want fake smiles and kind words only to have you laughing behind my back.

I wonder do you guys do it? Laugh when girls confess to you. Mock at the girls who dare to have a crush on you.

I don't... I only had 2 people confessing to me. One was forced coz I was sick and tired of people talking behind my back. I never talked to him after I left the school. The other is a jackass who dared to ask me to be the third party in the relationship that he was having. I wonder whether the poor unfortunate soul is still attached to him. So much for a track record.

Sometimes I truly wonder what's wrong with me. Do I miss obvious signs and subtle hints? If I do and you give up, then you don't know me well enough. You don't know how shy I am among guys and how uncomfortable I am with people who I am fond of. How cautious I act around guys who I think is a good catch. Behind the so called friendly bubbly person that most people see, I am really shy and timid about guys. Maybe I habour such fear because of a bad childhood experience.

I just have one question to you... If you know who you are. Did I really dream about that incident at the cinema? I can still remember the show that we are watching and the incident clearly and even my reply. Whatever it is, it is hard to believe that I imagined it. What was it about me that you don't think it could have ever happened? I don't give a shit of me being a nice friendly loud cheerful girl and all the crap. I just wanted to know what was the criteria that I didn't meet at that point in time.

Perhaps you are wondering why am I harping over it. It was 4.5 years ago for goodness sake. I don't know myself. But if I say that it just eats me up inside sometimes, wondering what is wrong with me sometimes as a girl... What makes me a great friend but a lousy girlfriend? Too tomboyish? (which is not really flattering but I can understand why), too loud? I still don't know.

Sometimes I just wonder whether we are friends.. or just classmates who shared some common history for two years. If we are just classmates, then I can just move on.. get my own life, stop caring as much as I want to and just stop having that particular section of my past tied around my ankle like a heavy weight.

I truly want to close that chapter of the particular moment of my life. If I ever told you that I moved on, then let me assure you it is a lie. I just didn't want to be a burden like what I am doing to you now. Heck, I don't even have the guts to email you point blank coz I am afraid that you have already forgotten everything. So if you do remember, please help me... before I go crazy.

5:41 am

I run out fast-moving seasons
thinking of you silently in my heart
-VAMPS, Time Goes By-

Staying away from your friends and family is quite bad.

The worst part is that I can't see them, hear them and just go crazy with them. There won't be anyone who will understand my lame jokes and quirky random humour. It is tough.. I wonder how some people move across continents and settle down. Either they are really strong or they want to escape from something...

Maybe I will do that, if I ever end up being all alone, watching people getting married while I'm left on the shelf. When people find their other half while I only have a dog, laptop, music and books for my company. When they start having kids when all I could search for is another dog to replace the one that died. I will be an auntie and god mother to many but none that I can call my child.

Yes, it is a utterly depressing post. The worst part is that I am not even in a bloody relationship. I just found out someone that I would love to date is attached. But you know what is the painful part? It is when I don't know him well enough to be sure whether I want to ask him out. It's ridiculous how I just clamp up in front of guys and not being able to open up to those who I really want to know better...

Overall, my social skills with guys sucks. It's either i mock them or debate with them. I can never treat them like a girl treat a guy and be nice to them. Well, this is a self-pitying post. I don't want to dwell on this any longer...

3:43 am

Life is a bitch...

Period.

That next day after I blogged the previous post (2 dec), I was faced with the onslaught in a form of a cute nerdish looking guy called T. I chatted with him on 3 dec (while we waited for our paper), attended a mini play which his church put up along O
Orchard Road during Christmas and exchanged smses, facebook messages and msn conversation ever since. I was on cloud nine no doubt- until I came crashing back to reality as I realised we still run in two completely DIFFERENT circle of friends. Yeah, i know some of them.. but not as close to call them friends.

Then after flying off to USA, J chatted with me online... and then he asked me 'so, do you have anyone that you are interested in... I can help you pull strings'... Crap. How am I suppose to say 'oh yeah, I would love to know you better... Could we hang out more often after I come back from USA?' OBVIOUSLY NOT!

Fortunately B hasn't appeared in my life when I went off to USA and we haven't been talk
When I think of my personal life, it is a bloody mess. Sometimes I wonder why God put me through this. Is it to test me? I don't know why.. but sometimes I feel that God is testing meto put Him first. When I finally learn to love him whole-heartedly, then He will show me my special someone.

Still, can I do away with all this drama!?!? It's so whatever?!!!

2:56 pm

Quotes

As long as you continue to be yourself, that's enough
-Shigure Sohma, Fruit Basket-

Never throw your life away.
-Folken, Escaflowne-

Touya: There are no such things are coincidences in this world--
Kaho: --there is only the inevitable.
-Cardcaptor Sakura-

Nothing costs as much as loving-
except not loving
-C.S Lewis, The four loves-

Love is different for everyone, Yahiko.
Among a hundred different people
there would be a hundred different forms of love
-Okina, Rurouni Kenshin

Sometimes people forget that they have the courage to live.
But as long as they have something in their hearts to believe in,
that courage will never vanish
-Sakura Kinomoto, Tsubasa Chronicles

Regret is just a waste of time for fools
-Cho Hakkai, Saiyuki

Welcome to this illusion I've created.
A world of our own, with our rules
-Seishirō Sakurazuka X/1999