The last time I felt that way was the never ending mind churning, taunting me on how hopeless I am when it comes to guys.
As usual, I search for friends who can snap me out from my slumber. But even in my weakest moment, I can't find anyone to talk to and just forget about my vulernability.
Is it really bad to find out that I look girlish? I have been so comfortable with blouses/shirt with jeans to the point that I am shocked that I look nice when I dress up.
Then a fear just pounce on me. If I dress up and still don't have guys taking notice of me, then what does it have to say about my femininity? I would be utterly depress after that. I don't really want to use looks to convince people that I am relatable. But I just wish that I even have the personality to back it up.
Self confidence issue... I guess~
Friday, May 08, 2009
For the first few months, home sickness really hit me hard. All my friends are in Singapore and Malaysia and miss them loads.
Then recently, I relaise that they are so far away. How easy it is for them to just cut me away from their lives. Msn and email should help us to stay in contact. But I guess there are those friends that you make that are 'for the moment'. Then there are others who you keep for life.
It is those friendships that are made 'for the moment' that I worry the most. It is hilarous that you chase after a moment and leave behind those that last for a lifetime.
It's silly I guess. To try and form permanent friendship with some of my church mates, my jc mates and my school mates. I just have to go with the flow and do some seriously pruning. There are friendships that are worth getting upset for and those who ain't worth it.
And I am beginning to learn the hard way which are the ones that I can discard without blinking an eye...
Monday, May 04, 2009
I am feeling damn angsty now.
Maybe I should just go back after 12 June and just forget about visiting USA. Then at least I can get a job or something.
Why do I feel like I'm letting my mom's talk get the better of me. I just feel damn sianz by her endless nagging about school and me slacking and not working etc.. Yes Mom, I know that you rather me be working now instead of studying overseas. Instead of waiting for another 2-3 years for me before I start working. I wonder whether you will continuously discourage me no matter what I do. I should start cutting down spending and just start working right? Let's see.. If I stop doing BSF, drop out from the face of the earth and start giving tuition so that you don't have to give me allowance, will you be happier? No, you want me to study hard and stuff.
I just don't get you. CAN YOU JUST MAKE UP YOUR MIND WHETHER YOU WANT ME TO STUDY OR WORK OR JUST DO SOMETHING?!? I don't understand. Yes, money matters, nagging is just part of the conversation.. But can you don't make me go on guilt trips every now and then damn it! I am just sick and tired of it. Yes, I should have just carry on in OT, cry myself to sleep everyday so that I can no longer be a burden to you. Is that what you want? Fine, I will just get tuition job and heck care. If I get an honour degree or not, I think you rather me just quit living and start studying
Then after when I get my job, you will start telling me to work hard instead of going out, hanging around and have fun. Ok fine! I will get a job. Tuition should be fine and whatever it is, just bug off! Don't keep nagging how much time I pour into activities in my life. Yes damn it. I am a student. But I am a human being. I cannot study 24/7 do things your way because I am different from you and everyone else in the world damn it! Yes I slack. It is either I slack and go at my own slow pace than to just push myself for a short period of time and then just collapse and stop doing everything because I am dead tired and just drained out.
I work under pressure but even under pressure I do things at my own pace. I don't bury my head in the water. I can't just take short breaks looking around for 5-10 minutes before burying myself under my books for 3-4 hours.
Fine! I will go to school. Study in school. Go and 'work'. Friday nights and Saturdays are for me. And then after that I will pour myself out again on the weekdays and Sundays. Or I will just attend Sunday services instead of Saturdays one. How about that?!?!
If you are so fed-up with me playing with my life all day long, maybe you should realise that I am not a book person. I don't study all day long coz I don't have the bloody capability to mug for something that I DON'T CARE!
Leave me alone and stop making me feel guilty everytime I say that I am enjoying myself. CAN YOU STOP BEING A JOYKILLER?!?!? I say I enjoy myself, you tell me that I should study. I tell you I want to travel at least ONCE! And then you tell me NO CANNOT!
What the heck?!?! CAN YOU JUST LET ME LIVE A BIT OR NOT?? I am not just playing here all day long and just mugging one week before exams starts ok?!?! CAN YOU HAVE MORE FAITH IN ME DAMN IT! I STUDY I JUST DON'T TELL YOU WHEN I DO!!! GET IT!
As long as you continue to be yourself, that's enough
-Shigure Sohma, Fruit Basket-
Never throw your life away.
Touya: There are no such things are coincidences in this world--
Kaho: --there is only the inevitable.
Nothing costs as much as loving-
except not loving
-C.S Lewis, The four loves-
Love is different for everyone, Yahiko.
Among a hundred different people there would be a hundred different forms of love
-Okina, Rurouni Kenshin
Sometimes people forget that they have the courage to live.
But as long as they have something in their hearts to believe in, that courage will never vanish
-Sakura Kinomoto, Tsubasa Chronicles
Regret is just a waste of time for fools
-Cho Hakkai, Saiyuki
Welcome to this illusion I've created. A world of our own, with our rules
-Seishirō Sakurazuka X/1999