I am feeling damn angsty now.
Maybe I should just go back after 12 June and just forget about visiting USA. Then at least I can get a job or something.
Why do I feel like I'm letting my mom's talk get the better of me. I just feel damn sianz by her endless nagging about school and me slacking and not working etc.. Yes Mom, I know that you rather me be working now instead of studying overseas. Instead of waiting for another 2-3 years for me before I start working. I wonder whether you will continuously discourage me no matter what I do. I should start cutting down spending and just start working right? Let's see.. If I stop doing BSF, drop out from the face of the earth and start giving tuition so that you don't have to give me allowance, will you be happier? No, you want me to study hard and stuff.
I just don't get you. CAN YOU JUST MAKE UP YOUR MIND WHETHER YOU WANT ME TO STUDY OR WORK OR JUST DO SOMETHING?!? I don't understand. Yes, money matters, nagging is just part of the conversation.. But can you don't make me go on guilt trips every now and then damn it! I am just sick and tired of it. Yes, I should have just carry on in OT, cry myself to sleep everyday so that I can no longer be a burden to you. Is that what you want? Fine, I will just get tuition job and heck care. If I get an honour degree or not, I think you rather me just quit living and start studying
Then after when I get my job, you will start telling me to work hard instead of going out, hanging around and have fun. Ok fine! I will get a job. Tuition should be fine and whatever it is, just bug off! Don't keep nagging how much time I pour into activities in my life. Yes damn it. I am a student. But I am a human being. I cannot study 24/7 do things your way because I am different from you and everyone else in the world damn it! Yes I slack. It is either I slack and go at my own slow pace than to just push myself for a short period of time and then just collapse and stop doing everything because I am dead tired and just drained out.
I work under pressure but even under pressure I do things at my own pace. I don't bury my head in the water. I can't just take short breaks looking around for 5-10 minutes before burying myself under my books for 3-4 hours.
Fine! I will go to school. Study in school. Go and 'work'. Friday nights and Saturdays are for me. And then after that I will pour myself out again on the weekdays and Sundays. Or I will just attend Sunday services instead of Saturdays one. How about that?!?!
If you are so fed-up with me playing with my life all day long, maybe you should realise that I am not a book person. I don't study all day long coz I don't have the bloody capability to mug for something that I DON'T CARE!
Leave me alone and stop making me feel guilty everytime I say that I am enjoying myself. CAN YOU STOP BEING A JOYKILLER?!?!? I say I enjoy myself, you tell me that I should study. I tell you I want to travel at least ONCE! And then you tell me NO CANNOT!
What the heck?!?! CAN YOU JUST LET ME LIVE A BIT OR NOT?? I am not just playing here all day long and just mugging one week before exams starts ok?!?! CAN YOU HAVE MORE FAITH IN ME DAMN IT! I STUDY I JUST DON'T TELL YOU WHEN I DO!!! GET IT!
