My Sancturay~

I need to stop and regroup. But with so many things happening a 10000km/hr, I can't find the time to get the solitude I need to regroup and gather my thoughts.

I went for a career networking event by MINDEF. It made me want to try out and see whether I am cut out for it. However, I am wondering what is luring me into it- the idea of using whatever knowledge I got from history and political science and the interesting learning opportunities that it offers. It opened my eyes wide to the other possibilities that I could do after graduation and I am tempted.

However, I am hesitant. Is it me attempting to drown out the voice of God?

I was a little disappointed that I did not get the offer from MOE. So I thought it was a good thing I signed up for the MINDEF networking event. Then the day before the event, I got an email stating that I was offered a provisional teaching contract.

That's the problem with me. When I have too many choices, I don't know what to do. The MINDEF job is interesting but I only stand to gain. It appeals to me personally. However, I don't have a dream connected to the job. If I pass through the writing test and interview, I will like the job because it appeals to the intellect within me. But I don't share the dream that MINDEF has.

The dream to be an influence in the lives of students is something heartfelt but so loaded. Knowing myself, I will unconsciously be sucked into the world of trying to produce grades that I forget the dream that I want to be a role model and make an impact into the lives of the children.

So appeal to the self interest that I have or dare to dream big and take the risk of failure...

I think that is the thing- If I fail any stage of the interview, I know I'm not cut out for the job. If I fail to make an impact on the children, a sense of failure would be attached and I think that will destroy me more.

Finally, I found the crux of my problem... :/ Not a good dilemma though. Knowing me, I will just run and find a way out not to experience failure.

11:04 pm

Being direct and frank is a strength of mine- it can be used to tell someone about the rights and the wrongs in their lives and also be an advocate for something I am passionate over. It will however rub people the wrong way, so I have to use it wisely.

I have been moving in so many areas- I changed church 3 times, moved twice, uprooted from schools twice (ACJC and Nanyang Poly) and yet i showed resilience to cope with changes that they admired.

I am one that struggles with God regarding the things I do in life. However, when I finish my struggles, I always end up aligning myself back to God. It is seen during the period where I struggled to be a teacher, serving full time or being a ST.

I never saw myself that way. I always thought that being direct and frank was something that I should curb. Yet, I realised it is a gift that I can either misuse or edify God. I will choose the latter.

I thought I was horrible during changes. Yet, my DG saw so many changes in my life that they wonder how I managed to cope with everything.

I thought I complained a lot. That is true though. However, after everything, I forget how it leads me back to God and then I start being passionate in whatever I am committed to do.

However, Eeleen, during my PT pointed out fundamental flaws in my own defense armour- how I am still a hurting spirit, searching for love and approval from the wrong places. I allowed the bad experiences in the past fester into a horrible wound that bleeds at the slightest probe.

However, it isn't healthy. I saw how the need to be approved by my peers driven me away from church, cell, friends and stuff and I will never be truly contented unless I deal with the important issues in my life.

So, first thing to do is to write mock letters to each and everyone who had hurt me in the past and choose to forgive instead of nursing the anger and the hate.

Then I have to figure out how to fill my thoughts not with negative thinking about myself but positive ones that will bring me back to God and His love for me.

Then the inward changes will result in outward transformation in my life.

11:04 pm

Quotes

As long as you continue to be yourself, that's enough
-Shigure Sohma, Fruit Basket-

Never throw your life away.
-Folken, Escaflowne-

Touya: There are no such things are coincidences in this world--
Kaho: --there is only the inevitable.
-Cardcaptor Sakura-

Nothing costs as much as loving-
except not loving
-C.S Lewis, The four loves-

Love is different for everyone, Yahiko.
Among a hundred different people
there would be a hundred different forms of love
-Okina, Rurouni Kenshin

Sometimes people forget that they have the courage to live.
But as long as they have something in their hearts to believe in,
that courage will never vanish
-Sakura Kinomoto, Tsubasa Chronicles

Regret is just a waste of time for fools
-Cho Hakkai, Saiyuki

Welcome to this illusion I've created.
A world of our own, with our rules
-Seishirō Sakurazuka X/1999