My Sancturay~

I need to stop and regroup. But with so many things happening a 10000km/hr, I can't find the time to get the solitude I need to regroup and gather my thoughts.

I went for a career networking event by MINDEF. It made me want to try out and see whether I am cut out for it. However, I am wondering what is luring me into it- the idea of using whatever knowledge I got from history and political science and the interesting learning opportunities that it offers. It opened my eyes wide to the other possibilities that I could do after graduation and I am tempted.

However, I am hesitant. Is it me attempting to drown out the voice of God?

I was a little disappointed that I did not get the offer from MOE. So I thought it was a good thing I signed up for the MINDEF networking event. Then the day before the event, I got an email stating that I was offered a provisional teaching contract.

That's the problem with me. When I have too many choices, I don't know what to do. The MINDEF job is interesting but I only stand to gain. It appeals to me personally. However, I don't have a dream connected to the job. If I pass through the writing test and interview, I will like the job because it appeals to the intellect within me. But I don't share the dream that MINDEF has.

The dream to be an influence in the lives of students is something heartfelt but so loaded. Knowing myself, I will unconsciously be sucked into the world of trying to produce grades that I forget the dream that I want to be a role model and make an impact into the lives of the children.

So appeal to the self interest that I have or dare to dream big and take the risk of failure...

I think that is the thing- If I fail any stage of the interview, I know I'm not cut out for the job. If I fail to make an impact on the children, a sense of failure would be attached and I think that will destroy me more.

Finally, I found the crux of my problem... :/ Not a good dilemma though. Knowing me, I will just run and find a way out not to experience failure.

11:04 pm

Being direct and frank is a strength of mine- it can be used to tell someone about the rights and the wrongs in their lives and also be an advocate for something I am passionate over. It will however rub people the wrong way, so I have to use it wisely.

I have been moving in so many areas- I changed church 3 times, moved twice, uprooted from schools twice (ACJC and Nanyang Poly) and yet i showed resilience to cope with changes that they admired.

I am one that struggles with God regarding the things I do in life. However, when I finish my struggles, I always end up aligning myself back to God. It is seen during the period where I struggled to be a teacher, serving full time or being a ST.

I never saw myself that way. I always thought that being direct and frank was something that I should curb. Yet, I realised it is a gift that I can either misuse or edify God. I will choose the latter.

I thought I was horrible during changes. Yet, my DG saw so many changes in my life that they wonder how I managed to cope with everything.

I thought I complained a lot. That is true though. However, after everything, I forget how it leads me back to God and then I start being passionate in whatever I am committed to do.

However, Eeleen, during my PT pointed out fundamental flaws in my own defense armour- how I am still a hurting spirit, searching for love and approval from the wrong places. I allowed the bad experiences in the past fester into a horrible wound that bleeds at the slightest probe.

However, it isn't healthy. I saw how the need to be approved by my peers driven me away from church, cell, friends and stuff and I will never be truly contented unless I deal with the important issues in my life.

So, first thing to do is to write mock letters to each and everyone who had hurt me in the past and choose to forgive instead of nursing the anger and the hate.

Then I have to figure out how to fill my thoughts not with negative thinking about myself but positive ones that will bring me back to God and His love for me.

Then the inward changes will result in outward transformation in my life.

11:04 pm

How do you balance support and approval?

How is it that I am so sure that what I am doing is right when everyone seems to think it isn't a good idea?

Context:
1) Stepping up to serve in Crusade...
2) Stepping out in faith to go and teach...

The explanation:
My family tells me to focus on study, maintain my grade to get honours. After that, go and find a non-teaching related job before switching to teaching if I am interested.

The season of my life:
I am in NUS for a reason. Is it honestly just to study and that's it? If God provided me the fourth year in school, isn't it for a reason to make a difference?
If I am convicted to go to teaching, is it a point blank statement of saying 'it is God's will and therefore you cannot argue with it'?

How do I explain everything to you all without fearing of being told that I heard wrongly from God? Can I tell you everything that has happened is for something bigger and crazier in my life? It is something that I cannot explain myself.

It is funny... how I hear my mom talks about trusting and following God while she tells me to do things that I can achieve on my own 'strength' and attribute to my own self-sufficiency?

11:29 pm

I'm tired being strong and ever sure of the answer.

I hate it when I am backed to the corner and need to be strong.

I don't understand WHY each time I am seen as the one with the answer when all I want to do is to lean my shoulder against someone.

Maybe I should find that refuge in God. If not... people will take the rightful place of God, leaving God with nothing but my insincerity.

If I'm being broken, I suspect that it is something that I have to do.

Good gosh. I want to break down and cry.

10:47 pm

It's very hard to piece my thoughts into words.

There are times I want to drop out of the world and just stay at home and be reclusive. Naturally it isn't possible. However, I just wish it could happen.

I do not have any idea why I feel this way. Maybe I'm truly an introvert- just that I thrive with people who are extrovert... and then burn out when I go on an overload with activities after activities.

Maybe I have to have breaks. I cannot go out 7 days a week for a month.

Either way, I have to deal with the burnout the way I love- nua at home. :D

11:34 pm

I might end up burning myself out if I am not careful~

9:24 am

My sanctuary... enough for me to let myself read it.

I will write on this more often because there are certain things that I don't want people to read... at all. And then maybe I will move all my private thoughts into this blog and slowly let the other two die. My heart pains to see one of them die away- it had seen me through my troubled poly days... But it's time to move on and start afresh~

5:54 pm